Vedantin Humor

A Vendantin is traveling in a bus. A person comes nearby and asks: "Is the seat taken?". The Vedantin replies: "It is taken by the omni-present Brahman." After a while the same person seated behind him asks: "Can I have your newspaper for a few minutes?" The Vedantin replies: "It is being used by the omni-scient Brahman." A few minutes pass and the person asks the Vedantin:"Do you have something to munch on?" The irritated Vedantin yells: "Who are you and why are you bothering me like this?" The person calmly replies: "I am the omni-potent Brahman."

A Vedantin goes to a temple. As he is doing circum-ambulation (pradikshana) of the temple a person bumps into him and says he is sorry. The vedantin replies, "Never mind, I don't think the deity appreciates my circum-ambulation anyway." He then goes into the sanctum of the temple and waits for the priest to do archana (offering). The preist approaches him and asks for name and nakshatra (birth star). The vedantin says "Brahman". The priest is not a bit surprised and moves on. The puzzled vedantin asks him, "Why aren't you surprised?" The priest replies, "Because the temple is under construction there is no deity yet. You are the first one to claim it"

A Vedantin gets a phone call. The caller says: "We are looking for volunteers in our temple." The vedantin replies, "I don't believe in temple mumbo-jumbo. Besides I am already volunteering in a charity hospital." The caller says, "The hospital is funded by the temple. So I am glad that you have acquiesced to my request." The Vedantin replies, "Your temple god is the patient here to whom I am serving." The unfazed caller says, "I know he is checked in to the hospital and his bed pan is clean as a whistle. Thanks to you" The vEdantin replies calmly, "Your god is not eating any solid food or drinking any fluid and those are the precise reasons why he was hospitalized by your temple."

A Vedantin goes to a hotel and orders a dosa. The waiter says the restaurant policy is pre-pay. The vEdantin says, "That is very unusual. Since when have you instituted this policy?" The waiter replies, "Ever since vedantins have been eating and telling us the whole creation is owned by the Brahman for our enjoyment and walking away without paying."

A Vedantin goes to a movie and chooses a corner seat with no one around. An elderly man does the same but takes a seat in an aisle ahead of the Vedantin's. As his head is obstructing the view of the Vedantin he whispers to him, "Please lie low. Your head is in the way." The man turns back and says, "Didn't you see the name of the movie?" "What is it?", says the Vedantin. "Don't Be Low Lives" says the elderly man.

A Vedantin decides to try para-kaaya-pravesa (transmigrating from one body to another). He chooses a nice garden and walks upto the shade of a big tree. The garden has plenty of birds. The Vedantin decides to fly as a bird and waits patiently for a bird to die by lighting up a fire as it was cold.. Unbeknowst to him two pigeons are living on that tree and the female pigeon tells the male: "We have a guest. He seems to be tired and hungry. I will fall into the fire and offer myself as the meal." The male pigeon says, "Do as you wish" As the bird falls to its death in the fire, the Vedantin curses the stars for giving him a bird that is charred beyond recognition. The male pigeon says, "Don't worry she is doing para-kaaya-pravesa (transmigration)." To which the Vedantin says, "Then who are you?" The pigeon says, "I am a Vedantin trying to transmigrate into another Vedantin."

Cow is a sacred animal in Hindu culture. A Vedantin tries to buy a cow in the market. The owner says, "Knowing that you are a Vedantin, I will give my cow to you free if you can answer my question." The Vedantin agrees. The owner says, "Is the cow sacred to a Vedantin? For that matter is anything sacred to you?" The Vedantin says, "Those are two questions." The owner retorts, "Precisely because I want to sell you the bull for a price that comes with a free cow."

A Vedantin tries to emulate a sanyasi (one who renounces everything) and goes out for begging. By the end of the day, not being lucky, he walks up to the village tree and finds a sanyasi who was eating from his bowl. The Vedantin walks up to him and says, "I tried all day begging like you and still ended up with nothing. What is your secret?" The sanyasi replies, "I went to the temple and asked for prasad (sacrament)." The Vedantin thinks aloud, "Why didn't I think about that?". The sanyasi replies, "I went to the temple as a last resort after following in your foot steps."

A Vedantin plans on a vacation to Kanya Kumari (at the tip of Cape Camaroon). As he alights the bus on which he traveled, he kisses the ground. A passer by seems amused and says to him, "Are you a first time visitor?" The Vedantin replies, "Yes and I show my respect to mother Earth only." The passer by says, "But the great Swami Vivekanand is the major reason we all come here, don't we?" The Vedantin says, "They say the sun sets and rises in the same place here. I am here to verify." The stranger replies, "The great Swami did the same and look how he ended up." The Vedantin unfazed says, "If you are telling me he is worshipped with augur and camphor, then I have no interest in him." The stranger replies, "Not really! Watch out, a bird is pooping on you and you will need perfume to get over it" and walks away.

A Vedantin is flying on a plane for the first time. He resolves to not fall asleep to savor every bit of the journey. He refuses all food and drinks to avoid going to the toilet as he heard toilets in airplanes can be messy. The passenger sitting next to him says, "Excuse me, can you let me pass?" The Vedantin says, "You are free to go wherever you want except the toilet." The passenger says, "Idiot, you are blocking my way to the aisle and I have to relieve myself very urgently." The Vedantin retorts, "I will be way ahead of you" and runs towards the toilet.